FAQ's


Frequently asked questions about Shut The Fuck Up.

Q1. What are your primary objectives?
A1. Our company exists to serve any person - or state - that - after exhausting all possibilities, feels the need to advance with the definitive phrase or line of delivery which will cause the opponent, whether an individual, dictatorship or communist power, to Shut The Fuck Up.

Q2. What is your success rate?
A2. Our success rate is second to none. In 1944, during Winston Churchill's "Fight Them On The Beaches" speech, our then client grew particularly tiresome at the constant mentioning of the RAF. Due to our influence within the Government and Parliament at that time, plus of course our ignorance in the RAF's involvement during the Battle Of Britain, we quickly dispatched a small team to inform Winston Churchill that he should, indeed, 'Shut The Fuck Up."

He did, and shortly after his speech bought five members of our team a large cognac for being so honest. In Churchill's words in that bar: "You fucking fuckers. If no-one had said Shut The Fuck Up, I would have gone on all night."

We've also dealt with military stand-offs and confrontations in most parts of the world. The first occasion that Shut The Fuck Up was most read about was our involvement in the Ireland/British conflict. After years of bloody killings and indiscriminate bombings from both sides, in the end Shut The Fuck Up was contracted to sort things out. The first objective was to go and tell Tony Blair to Shut The Fuck Up. This he did, on the condition that everyone else Shut The Fuck Up too. Slowly, over a period of time, people started to Shut The Fuck Up, and our contract was finalised when a weary and exhausted Ian Paisley admitted to journalists..."Perhaps I should simply Shut The Fuck Up."

We are still waiting for an answer and payment from Mr. Blair. But, we continue to receive good-will messages and wishes from around Hull, UK, during the Easter period.

Q3. I've Read You Made A Big Impact On Dunkirk?
A3. Maybe. Our most infamous military challenge was that in 1943. It was then that Churchill thought his war to be lost, bombed the French boats in their harbours for fear they would fall into German hands and then proceeded to evacuate British Troops from France. Hitler was bleating about winning the war, until a curt memo was fired off from our offices after Churchill employed our services. It read: For the Attention of Adolf Hitler: Shut The Fuck Up You Daft Twat.

Q4. The Roll of Shut The Fuck Up in Sierra Leone.
A4. We became headlines in 1983 after we were accused of breaking a UN embargo on the trading of insults in Sierra Leone. An enquiry into our activities ruled that the British Government HAD been notified of our intention to trade insults with the Sierra Leone Government and various rebel groups, but the British Civil Servants we had notified of our actions had failed to pass on the information to the correct Ministers.The civil servants had, in effect, Shut The Fuck Up.

We went on to tell the Revolutionary United Front - rebels in Sierra Leone who were illegally mining at the time - to Shut The Fuck Up, and we also dissed several corrupt politicians and lower officials, who, after a brief retort, finally accepted their predicament and Shut The Fuck Up. Our coup de grace, however, came when we discovered that a high ranking UN Commander in Sierra Leone had failed to tell a single person to Be Quiet, let alone Shut The Fuck Up. In an inquiry into his alleged misconduct we attended a four day hearing during which our lawyers were permitted to cross examine Commander X. He faltered several times when pushed on matters that were fundamental to our winning the case, but the defense simply crumbled when our lawyer stood back after a three hour questioning session and looked at the jury. "You see," he said, sighing and gesturing to the UN Commander in the dock. "Do you see how effortlessly he cunts himself?"
(For a speech from this court case, please e-mail us with your requests)