FAQ's


Frequently asked questions about Shut The Fuck Up.

Q1. What are your primary objectives?
A1. Our company exists to serve any person - or state - that - after exhausting all possibilities, feels the need to advance with the definitive phrase or line of delivery which will cause the opponent, whether an individual, dictatorship or communist power, to Shut The Fuck Up.

Q2. What is your success rate?
A2. Our success rate is second to none. In 1944, during Winston Churchill's "Fight Them On The Beaches" speech, our then client grew particularly tiresome at the constant mentioning of the RAF. Due to our influence within the Government and Parliament at that time, plus of course our ignorance in the RAF's involvement during the Battle Of Britain, we quickly dispatched a small team to inform Winston Churchill that he should, indeed, 'Shut The Fuck Up."

He did, and shortly after his speech bought five members of our team a large cognac for being so honest. In Churchill's words in that bar: "You fucking fuckers. If no-one had said Shut The Fuck Up, I would have gone on all night."

We've also dealt with military stand-offs and confrontations in most parts of the world. The first occasion that Shut The Fuck Up was most read about was our involvement in the Ireland/British conflict. After years of bloody killings and indiscriminate bombings from both sides, in the end Shut The Fuck Up was contracted to sort things out. The first objective was to go and tell Tony Blair to Shut The Fuck Up. This he did, on the condition that everyone else Shut The Fuck Up too. Slowly, over a period of time, people started to Shut The Fuck Up, and our contract was finalised when a weary and exhausted Ian Paisley admitted to journalists..."Perhaps I should simply Shut The Fuck Up."

We are still waiting for an answer and payment from Mr. Blair. But, we continue to receive good-will messages and wishes from around Hull, UK, during the Easter period.

Q3. I've Read You Made A Big Impact On Dunkirk?
A3. Maybe. Our most infamous military challenge was that in 1943. It was then that Churchill thought his war to be lost, bombed the French boats in their harbours for fear they would fall into German hands and then proceeded to evacuate British Troops from France. Hitler was bleating about winning the war, until a curt memo was fired off from our offices after Churchill employed our services. It read: For the Attention of Adolf Hitler: Shut The Fuck Up You Daft Twat.

Q4. The Roll of Shut The Fuck Up in Sierra Leone.
A4. We became headlines in 1983 after we were accused of breaking a UN embargo on the trading of insults in Sierra Leone. An enquiry into our activities ruled that the British Government HAD been notified of our intention to trade insults with the Sierra Leone Government and various rebel groups, but the British Civil Servants we had notified of our actions had failed to pass on the information to the correct Ministers.The civil servants had, in effect, Shut The Fuck Up.

We went on to tell the Revolutionary United Front - rebels in Sierra Leone who were illegally mining at the time - to Shut The Fuck Up, and we also dissed several corrupt politicians and lower officials, who, after a brief retort, finally accepted their predicament and Shut The Fuck Up. Our coup de grace, however, came when we discovered that a high ranking UN Commander in Sierra Leone had failed to tell a single person to Be Quiet, let alone Shut The Fuck Up. In an inquiry into his alleged misconduct we attended a four day hearing during which our lawyers were permitted to cross examine Commander X. He faltered several times when pushed on matters that were fundamental to our winning the case, but the defense simply crumbled when our lawyer stood back after a three hour questioning session and looked at the jury. "You see," he said, sighing and gesturing to the UN Commander in the dock. "Do you see how effortlessly he cunts himself?"
(For a speech from this court case, please e-mail us with your requests)

GALLERY

You are in our renowned Gallery. Feel free to employ these gems at any given opportunity. If you feel you would like to see anything included, please contact us.

Shut The Fuck Up.
The King Of Put Downs. We've over-thrown Cabinets and Constitutions with this small, tight and pert retort.

You Fucking Twat.
No real footnote needed for this common old favorite. The initial choice for many of our clients, it is often used in conjunction with the above and remains the most common choice for our men in the field at any given time. Apart from the sound of semi, or automatic machine gun fire, this is the most recognized sound-bite throughout the world. Agents in foreign postings have found that uttering this gem in a loud and distasteful manner serves far more effectively than either a firm handshake or a small and respectful nod of the head when meeting dignitaries and other officials the for the first time.

See this? Kiss it.
What a fine phrase ... packed with all the punch that one expects from a heavy-weight put down.
This four-word wizard is best employed in front of a group of people, as the agent must point to his or her buttocks before firing off the last two words. It came into being around 10 years ago, when the phrase 'Kiss My Arse' was withdrawn from active service due to technical problems under certain conditions. Agent's had become fond of the former, and for forty days and nights our men worked around the clock to tailor the original saying into something that could be used in modern theatres of war.

They didn't let us down..


Shit Off: I'm Fucked: We're Closed.
Probably the most famous example we've come across, this is recommended for management Agents in a retail or shopping environment when no argument or response is desired or expected from those working for them. This particular expression was developed, as many are, after an intoxicating mixture of alcohol and narcotics, favored by Insult Guerillas throughout the world when developing retorts and replies. There is simply no reply to this one, largely due to the fact that it uses signage as it's medium, and not the spoken word. Hence, the agent is usually long gone by the time the recipient gets the message, normally left on a shop or restaurant door that will not open that day due to the owner/keyholder/manager agent being severely intoxicated. An effective - if not a little strong - phrase, which is usually the final and definitive put down, left on a shop or office door when the agent does not intend to attend employment that day.

To be used sparingly, this is a beautiful landmine of a message.


Your Mother Owes My Dog Fuck Money.
This is a recent phrase that has fallen into our hands in the last few days. We advise using this sparingley, as the recipient will normally retort with either violence, or, if he is a subscriber to this site, an equally good put-down. Beware. It's one of the most specialist and acute retorts we've come across, due to the fact the range supercedes most of the recipients vital organs and goes straight to the heart. We held boardroom discussions all last night regarding this insult and it's publication on this site, and we await reports of it's usage. To our knowledge, no agent has ever used it in the arena of put-downs.

Let us know how you get on.


See How Effortlessly You Cunt Yourself.
A beautiful turn of phrase which was used widely in Sierra Leone and other conflict areas. It's now used almost exclusively by a woman we have identified; a veteran agent in South East Asia.

Get To The Kitchen Woman And Cook The Man Some Fucking Eggs.
Direct, to the point, and an additional bonus if a selection of eggs is actually required. It is widely used in New Zealand and we are getting unconfirmed reports of it's usage in Hong Kong.

A disturbing development which we will endeavor to keep across.

I Shit You Not You Freak.
A recent retort which has fallen into our hands in the last few days. According to reports, this was used frequently in the United Kingdom during high-fire domestic situations as many as fifteen years ago. Rumour has it that this was often used against children, which, according to our guidelines and Rules of Engagement is something we would refrain from doing at all costs.

You Fat Cunt.
All the judges agreed that Mike Tyson was simply out-boxed by current world heavyweight holder Lennox Lewis during his last bout. The fight drew millions and ended in the eighth round, when Mike 'Iron' Tyson was counted out by the referee after a particulary nasty jab to the jaw. However, what spectators around the world failed to notice was Lennox uttering a few key words as that jab connected. Slow down the replay of this final punch of the match and you will see Lennox's lips move as the jab connects. It's hard to decipher what he's actually saying due to his gumshield, but he employed Shut The Fuck Up to work with him in the final few weeks leading up to the bout. Lip readers amongst you will see that as that final punch is thrown, Lewis utters the immortal line "You Fat Cunt."

That left jab might have been hard, but it was those choice words that kept 'Iron' Mike on the canvas.


Piss!
A pure beauty. A perfect one syllable sentence that demands - or expects - nothing. It has been used by many an IG and will continue to do so for a long, long time. It's power comes from the way it is pronounced, which should done as violently as possible. What a stunner of a line when used correctly.

F.M.D.
We've been holding onto this sharp and double-edged back-lash for a while now. Perhaps against our better judgement, we now feel ready to release it into the put-down arena. A powerful - yet subtle - three syllable snipe, it's designed to stun any opponent into complete submission. Any veterans in the field will be all too aware that the initials of this stinging and beastial put-down represent the immortal - and usually impossible - words 'Fuck My Dog.'

An unusual line which we feel ready to initiate into the arena of combat